Poor Jokes Thread

[Raymond]

The almighty google suggests that "women should clean the house".

[ted]

Just bought one of those talking measuring jugs.

It really speaks volumes.


Just thought of a great owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.



I'm not a fan of Computer-related jokes.

Not one bit

[ted]

Superman, sleeping beauty and Pinocchio are walking down the street, Superman see's a strong man competition goes in and wins it "to easy" says superman. Walking down the street again they see a beauty contest, sleeping beauty enters and naturally she wins it," no problems". Further down there's a lying contest Pinocchio see's his chance to show off, two minutes later he come's out crying and upset, "what happened" asks his two friends
"Got second place" said Pinocchio reluctantly.
"Why?" they ask
"Some guy called David Cameron won"

[Raymond]

We miss your jokes ted.

[A Guy]

Didn't feel much like jokes after Barry passed, but I know he'd be reading them...

A good old Missouri boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand.

He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Missouri a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your a**!"

A Guy

[ted]

A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.

They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.

"Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"

Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."

"Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward. "No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous."

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"

The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.

She smiles. "Then come in."

He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.

"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.

"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."

[INDRANIL]

Ha ha ha . As usual bang from ted .

[ted]

I went to the Library and said,"Excuse me i'm looking for the book about small penis's",

The Librarian said,"I don't think it's in yet",

I said,"Yeah, that's the one".

---------- Post added at 09:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:24 AM ----------

My friend said the doctor said I have Sexdaily.

I said i think you mean dyslexia.

---------- Post added at 09:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:08 PM ----------

Being the gentleman that I am, I offered a seat to a lady on the bus today.

The person sitting there wasn't too happy though.

[Murphy]

Hi guys ,

The Colonel's Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

Best regards !

[ted]

If someone became addicted to counselling.....
How would you treat them?


My girlfriend's so bloody childish.
She comes in the bathroom when I'm in the bath and sinks my boats.


My new wife wasn't very happy when I told her that I was always going to be on top.
She'll just have to f**king get used to it.
My bunk beds. My rules.


I was explaining to my Girlfriend how sometimes I feel really high and then really low.
She said, "Ted, just get off the f**king swing."


I went on a blind date with this Physics teacher... There's just no chemistry...

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I was walking through the park today and saw a very fit blonde just ahead of me.

As I got closer, I saw she was 6ft tall, legs up to her a*se. Fit body, nice breasts and wearing a very short skirt and I saw her thong as the wind picked up slightly

She stopped and bent over to pick her bag that she dropped and I saw my chance.

I ran up to her as fast as I could, not wanting to miss the chance,
and I jumped....

over her.

Leap frog is awesome.